Holding X – defense position, could be related to shame, see AA Bronson
Letting go O – living, streaming, flow
X
Actually, I don’t know anything about this town.
Although the sea is around 25 km away, I still feel the heaviness of inland.
As if gravity was stronger than elsewhere.
O
I still have some bright memories of this town.
And in these memories I feel well and easy.
Much easier than in some deep inland.
Easier, as the town is situated at the slope of a big hill,
where great views open to the vastness
of Ida-Virumaa, Central-Russia, East-Siberia.,
Easier, because of limestone. There is air in limestone.
Limestone can float on water.
X
I’ve had a certain imagination about this town.
This imagination is one of my many backbones.
Not an important one,
rather marginal, half unconscious.
But always there.
A stick in a great scaffolding or thicket.
X
After I arrived the town quickly became strange to me.
And instantly I sensed the heavy feeling and gravity.
I realized the syndrome of living in this town.
X
Every day
the heaviness of living in this town
is loaded on trucks
and dispersed all over.
X
Every day
loudspeakers play
this goddamn melody.
And if trucks don’t crush you,
you’ll make it to the stadium with others,
wearing the uniform of living here
and standing straight for hours,
every day.
O
Imagine the heaviness arriving this town:
- it comes here with a bus or train
- it carries two suitcases filled up with concrete.
Gravity arrives with her/him almost simultaneously.
In the very moment when he/she puts the suitcases on the ground.
X
It didn’t take much time for the unconscious and marginal backbone to fall.
But the other bones instantly felt its missing as the pressure gained.
Can be the reason for gravity to amplify.
X
I somehow got lost.
Maybe it was about the apartment.
Already before seeing this apartment, I knew what it is about.
I knew its issues.
I project – therefore I am.
X X X
Annelinn. Lasnamäe. Mustamäe.
Annelinn. No escape. Annelinn.
O
The base, foundation – shit. Suffering. Dukkha. Dung.
A hollow inside of it.
Absence.
A wooden pigeon looking out of the absence.
A hollow pigeon looking out of the hollow.
O
There is no pigeon.
Only compensations.
X
Let’s imagine the first panel of Hieronymus Bosch’s triptych.
Let’s imagine that instead of the pink innocent fountain of life
there is shit.
And there is a hole in it.
And someone is staring out of that hole.
Or is it rather the last panel of triptych?
Every fresh leaf will be humus one day.
O
But here I am. In the apartment.
Suitcases full of dung.
Personal suffering.
X
I can just hope that personal suffering is collective.
Partly, at least.
Our experiences with these apartments are quite similar.
These similarities are designated by the design of these apartments.
One and the same consciousness. One and the same memories.
Total violence against individuality.
X
A structure was made. The grid.
And everyone weaved a nest there.
See Laura Põld: “A Study on Homes”
OX
Grandparents’ apartment.
Long ago it was the whole world.
A powerful and great foundation.
The whole microclimate.
I guess it happened like this:
After they left, the apartment remained untouched for a while.
Constellations remained as noone dared to touch anything
or throw anything away.
O O
A home has the smell of a bird’s nest.
When we disappear forever, our bed sheets still have our smell
for a while.
For a while
everything must remain untouched.
40 days.
4 years.
40 years of stillness.
O
Somewhere there is a desert.
Forty.
40 degrees of heat, etc.
O
There is always night in the desert.
There are always blooms in the night.
The night will remain.
X X
The night may swallow the whole life.
X
How to let go your home and everything that you love?
You don’t have to.
Let’s keep everything as it was.
Let’s commit to the past.
X
Let’s create a grave for ourselves.
Let’s find a tombstone for ourselves.
Let’s spend a lifetime for taking care of our grave:
to rake, to hoe, to weed.
X
When a dog sometimes digs out a mouse nest, you feel a painful scratch in your soul. A skinless
feeling it is. When a soft nest, a safe hiding place is dragged on the ground... Especially when
there are these tiny, pink, innocent infants in the nest. Those are us. Indeed, those are us.
O
A jelly-like mass flows out of my psyche and covers those mouse infants.
X
They’ll be crystallized and I’ll keep them in my living room, behind glass the whole life.
O
Nest, stillness, pink innocence.
The first panel of Bosch’s triptych. The beginning. Like snot, my compassion sticks into such
things.
O
So, this is what compassion is about?
Compassion – to feel someone. To feel along.
If you are alone, to who should you feel along besides yourself?
Care is related to the outside.
To the differentiation of two sides.
So that the pink mouse infants are real. They feel. And you feel along with them.
And if the nest is empty, then what? Who is suffering there, besides you alone?
An empty nest phenomena. Inside an empty nest there is noone suffering.
Except ghosts.
Ghosts enter the matter and take the shape of human.
O
See the “Visitor” by Inga Salurand.
X
If
that
is
our
life source,
we’ll keep living near it.
We’ll stay in an empty nest forever.
Trying to hatch a stone.
X
I’ve noticed that people who like to hold it for longer periods tend to puff up.
Those who have been standing at one place for long time, chewing one and the same thing,
been stuck for a while. Their chewing muscles are well developed (Inga Salurand).
Yes, they have been strangely puffed and inflated.
O
These people are covered by a thick layer and its surface is always sugar.
But the rest is shit that is radiating through the sweet layer.
X
Disgust and compassion are alternating like constipation and diarrhea.
X
The old can’t go until the new is ready.
X
Some soft lining was found from bird nests.
X
Sometimes, when old people decease, something happens in their homes.
A clock stopped working at the very moment when my grand aunt died.
At least near that moment.
X
An apartment standing still. How long should an apartment stay untouched, before we can
start cleaning it up? Letting it go?
So that we would liberate these structures, so that the natural circulation would work?
O
How long does that waiting take?
O
And then we’ll dive into change.
Painful it is. Detachment it is.
Skin is peeling off, plaster and wallpaper fall from walls.
We must throw away the old things. We must give away the old things.
X
At least we must put away the old things. Away from attention. Put away on standby.
X – refers to a closed mouth and can be expressed as “mmmmm”, which is the sound of holding
O – refers to an open mouth and can be expressed as “ooooooo”, which is the sound of letting
go
Combining the two through
nasal voicing that sounds like
“oooooommmmmmmmmmmmooooooommmmm”
we’ll make X and O intertwine.
Both are necessary, both can resonate and
form an integrated vibration that
starts to work in your lungs and spreads
all over your body
just like